I don’t want to be afraid
Every time I face the waves
I don’t want to be afraid 
I don’t want to be afraid
I don’t want to fear the storm 
Just because I hear the roar
I don’t want to fear the storm 
I don’t want to fear the storm

Fear. What a little word that carries such a powerful punch when its applied to our lives. When I got the call from a nurse telling me that I had cancer growing in my breast and in my lymph nodes, my emotions were pretty numb. Despite having two different doctors tell me that just by feeling the lumps in my body, they were convinced I did not have cancer and maybe it was an autoimmune disease instead, I knew in my head and in my heart and in my body that it was cancer. So, the words I heard over the phone weren’t  enough to bring me fear because I had already been wrestling with that emotion for several months in trying to get diagnosed. It was merely confirmation for what I already knew. Dont get me wrong, the fear was there once I was able to go from numb to processing my emotions again…yeah, fear was there. It stayed there for awhile, but at some point I had to decide I was tired of being afraid. The treatment for this cancer over the last several months has been rough. If there is a side effect of the chemo to have, I’ve had it. I have other friends who have gone the same course before and some even at the same time I am doing it, and some have had no trouble at all and others have had issues but been able to go on with work and life….and I’ve just been in bed or on the toilet and occasionally at a ball game. I am amazed at how God has taken care of me, of us, in these months- Him knowing how things would be different and I would not physically be able to work. He has brought SO many people our way who have given and sacrificed time, money, food, prayers, and love to get us through. Our family has had a huge deficit these last few months because we just couldn’t do or couldn’t give in to our lives like normal, but God provided others to make that deficit up for us. It amazes me. That did not mean that fear stayed away. It did not. But, in Him showing us more of His loving character it has taught us several things about fear and how to let it go.

Fear is what you feel when there is a deficit of knowledge of Gods promises. Its hard to have fear when supernatural provision and presence is there. Its hard to feel fear when His character has been revealed to you, and you know Who He is, and what He is about. When you know the promises He has made to us in His word, and you know His character from loving Him and letting Him love you, then you can trust He is a God who will do what He says He will do. You know that He is not a God who would lie (Numbers 23:19). You trust Him. When you trust Him, you can not fear because fear is not of Him or from Him (2 Timothy 1:7 & 1 John 4:7-21) so you must make a choice. In the words to the song above, this person is making a choice saying they do not want to fear anymore. They are tired of being afraid. They know that things are going to happen in life and the waves are going to come and crash over them and sometimes things just are not going to be great. Is this you? Are you tired of being afraid for whatever is going on in your life?

Or, you might be sitting there thinking that since you haven’t been diagnosed with cancer you shouldn’t be afraid of what life is throwing at you right now. Yeah, someone out there is always going to have it worse than you. There are people out there who have to live with metastatic cancer for the rest of their lives….that means that my stage 3 is not as bad as their stage 4. But, that did not stop me from having fear for my future, or fear that the headache I am having is brain cancer, or fear of the horrible side effects of my chemo….because life stinks sometimes and we each have a right to our emotions and feelings for our individual journey. (SIDENOTE: but we MUST remember that we are NOT to be governed by our emotions and feelings. It is ok to have them, but do not let them rule you. If you do, then you are led by emotions and not the Holy Spirit. You can not be led by self-control and feelings at the same time. But alas, that is another blog post for another day)

Peace be still
Say the word and I will
Set my feet upon the sea
Till I’m dancing in the deep
Oh peace be still
You are here so it is well
Even when my eyes can’t see I will trust the voice that speaks

 

There have been a lot of times in my life, especially during this stage of my cancer journey, that it was almost impossible to see, feel, or remember Gods promises over me. During my worst days, I laid in my bed giving all the physical energy I could muster to literally cry out to God begging Him not to forget about me. I do not think I can begin to describe in words the despair I felt in those dark days after chemo. (I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face as I replay those moments in my mind, and the song that I played when I shaved all my hair off begins to play, Im a child of God, yes I am! Coincidence? I think not. He is showing off for me reminding me of His truth in the moment I am remembering my darkest hours. He sure does love me.) When things are dark and you despair, it is so easy to let fear have the final word. But, as I said, you have a choice to make. Do you choose fear? If you say no, do not thing that fear will leave you alone. It wont. You still have to make the choice to NOT choose fear every time it comes to your door. You must choose to hear the voice that speaks life and love and truth even when your eyes can not see it. Is that not what faith is? Believing in something you can not see? So, when fear comes to your door, make your choice. If you choose to wallow in fear and feelings, then I am afraid I can not help you, and neither can God because fear and feelings are not going about His business. However, if and when you choose faith, the unseen, peace, and hearing His truth and His voice and His promises for you (John 10:27-30) then you are on the right track.

Think about what is bringing you fear today. Make your choice on where you stand and what you will believe. Tell Him that you trust Him and that it is only His voice you will listen to, and not the voice of fear. Then, stick to it. Remind yourself as often as you need to and better yet, remind the devil who you belong to and what your choice is.