Every dream comes at a cost…..even the dreams God has placed on the inside of you. He reminded me of that this morning. I know  people who have had their  cost be more than I myself would be able to bear. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer this past July, my husband was beside himself with grief. I told him that God was allowing me to go through this because I had what it took  to get through it for  myself, but I knew I would not be able to see either him or our children go through what I was about to go through. That was not really fair to them because they would still have to watch me go through chemo, surgery, and radiation and all the ups and downs and anger and joy that come with it all. But, I could not do it. I have two sister in laws who are having to figure out how to live without their forever loves. I have too  many friends who have had to bury their children. The last few months I have learned you just do it because you have to…you just try to wake up and you take each day as it comes and do what you can….but I really do not know how I could ever survive it if it were to happen to my husband or our kids.

So, this is my cost. It perplexes me because I realize that as much as I have suffered the last few months, my suffering and my cost has not been as big as others I know. I am not able to do it every day, but there are many days I am able to count it all joy (James 1:2-3) even though I might be doing it kicking and screaming and crying the whole way….but other times I have done it willingly and obediently.

I believe in miraculous signs and wonders.  The Bible is full of examples of God showing off for His children, both in the Old and the New Testament (does the story of Moses in the OT and of Jesus in the NT sound familiar to anyone?) When I was first diagnosed, I asked God what He wanted me to do. Do I seek out a miraculous healing of cancer? Do I just listen to the doctors and go through treatment? Do I do both? Neither one? What did HE want me to do with this new information I had of cancer growing in my body? I will be honest, I was surprised when the Holy Spirit impressed it on me to not seek out the miraculous healing, to not go to the ministers that I knew who prayed over the sick and they recovered, but to  go through a poisonous treatment and to listen to the doctors, but to let the Holy Spirit guide me (John 16:13) I thought that my faith was big enough to believe in this healing, but God told me no. This was another time He reminded me that dreams come at a cost  and that the dream He promised me several years ago would require going through  the hard season of life that cancer was going to bring me to. This did not mean that God gave me cancer. Every good and perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17) and I know that it is the enemy of my soul who wants to steal, kill, and destroy those good gifts, including my dreams (John 10:10). I also know both from scripture and from my own life that God will use the hard, hurtful, grieving moments for His good (Romans 8:28) (Psalm 30:11-12) and I as His child want the hard moments of my life to go to help someone else and build His kingdom. But y’all. Cancer is hard.

The struggle to defeat my flesh and my own weakness and carry on about my days in His strength was HARD. I cried a lot. I laid in bed a lot. I did not eat or drink. I was weak, both physically and emotionally. However, most days I could feel my inner man (2 Corinthians 4:16) getting stronger. The presence of the Holy Spirit was there with me while I laid in bed in my crisp, white sheets. He was there with me while I sat on the toilet with a trash can in my lap. He was there with me when I waited until I was alone so I did not have to be brave for anyone and I took the guard off my husbands clippers and shaved my head bald. He was there with me when they hooked up my IV bag of chemo. He was there with me when I could not sleep and no pain medicine seemed to touch the burning, aching, horrible pain in my bones. He was there with me nine days ago when I had to make the decision to cut off both of my breasts. I did things to be in His presence, but even in these moments when I could not praise, I could not lift up my hands, I could not sing a song….He was there with me.

In February a prophetic voice I trust told me that I was about to go through something that was going to be horrible. He told me that my family and I were about to go through hell and that the rest of this year was going to put us through a test like we had never seen. However, he also told me that as hard as it would be, that I would survive it and that I would be ok in the end. He told me God showed Him it was necessary for the next place He would have our family in. It was two months later I would become sick and almost three months after that I would be diagnosed.  I have been sitting on so much of this story the last several months because I wanted to make sure I did not release anything out of season (Proverbs 15:23). It is my hope to be able to share much of my heart and the changes it has gone through as well as the words God has given me…but it will have to be in due time.

For now, it is time to prepare for a double mastectomy tomorrow. I covet your prayers. The thing I need prayer for most is that the Holy Spirit that lives on the inside of me will arise within me, that the atmosphere in the operating room would only exude His presence, because that is the most important thing in the world to me. My flesh is fighting me with fear and anxiety and I am grieving such a sense of loss and anger for everything cancer has taken from me. However, I have been reminding the enemy of my soul that he has already been directed to  give back to me everything he has taken (Proverbs 6:30-31) and although I am struggling to deal with my new normal after cancer, I serve a God of restoration and peace. And that is what I shall have.